Death and Emotions

Today was not a good day. When we arrived at work this morning, Jason and I found out that his Uncle Aldo had died due to a massive heart attack that morning. Jason went to be with the family and I will be joining them this evening. Aldo was a quiet man, he loved to read and was a big intellect. You could also tell that he loved his family very much. I enjoyed being around him when he was at family functions and getting to speak with him. Aldo, 'si sentirà la tua mancanza'

I called my mother to let her know that I would not be able to make it over to visit this evening and found out at that time that a family friend had also passed away this morning - taken by cancer.

Both were wonderful people and loved very much by their families. Our thoughts and prayers are with them.

I have been in a sad mood all day, quite down, which is to be expected. I even have shed some tears when really thinking about them and their not being around. But all in all I have continued to work and function. If you ask Jason, I'm sure he probably would think that I was even a little cold, except, I think that by now he knows me and how I handle people death and harm. I label it that way, because I am completely different when it comes to handling pet deaths, especially dogs, at which time I am a complete basket case.

When Cheryl, my sister, died, I remember basically letting out one big scream of anguish and a bit of crying, but then pulling myself completely together to console my mom and my sister (my dad holds his emotions close to his chest and doesn't show a lot of them, which is perhaps where I got the way I act). I proceeded to make the necessary phone calls to inform family members and friends of our loss. I helped make arrangements for people to come into town and stay. That very evening, one of my good friends was celebrating her birthday and, without telling her a thing until the very end, I went and I celebrated and sang happy birthday to her - because this is how it should be - she was still alive and her life should be celebrated - it matters and should be celebrated. As the days followed, I continued to be a "great help" and "kept the family together". At the wake, funeral and gathering back at the house I was told I was the perfect hostess, making sure everyone had what they needed and was dealing with things. I returned to work after four or five days, even though I was told it was not necessary - it helped for me to be busy and occupied. I went on with my life - basically blocking out what had happened. The only times I really, really broke down was when I was in my car driving and a particular song came on the radio and then I bawled. I handled it the way I needed to handle it. Years later, talking with my sister, Janine, frankly, she basically told me she thought I was unfeeling and uncaring about the whole ordeal and she couldn't see how I could be that way. She was very affected by my sisters death and emoted more along the lines of my mom. Different ways of handling it. After this talk and many others with her and other members of my family, I have been a bit more able to show and admit my inner feelings, but I am still quite close chested about them.

Now, when my first dog which I owned, not the family dog - Shanna, the most precious and beautiful Rottie around died. I was deeply depressed and sad and it showed. When I had to put her down, I cried and cried. Even now typing this and when I talk about her and her death, I tear up and get choked up emotionally. When I had to move and had to get rid of my cats and was unable to find anyone to take them because of their age (and didn't know about no-kill shelters) and had to give them to the spca, knowing that most likely they would be put to sleep, I cried. All of this in front of others and at different times, not holding back my sadness over the animals.

I bring all this up, because even to this day if I'm watching a TV show or a movie and there is death in it - I react completely different if it's a human or an animal. I don't want the humans to die, but unless there are some extra hormones flying around at that time of the month ;-) I don't usually cry - I might get a little choked up, by not cry, cry. (watch out though at those "times" of the month - I can be a big cry baby and Jason won't let me watch anything which might make me sad - says it hurts him to see me that way and not know exactly what to do) But, if it's an animal, especially a dog, I bawl. We recently went to see the Will Smith flick "I Am Legend" and

= SPOILER ALERT - DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU DON'T KNOW -









in the middle of the movie his dog first goes into this building where it's dark and you know there are bad people and I am having a fit already, I'm saying, no, no, don't let anything happen to the dog, don't let it get hurt, already getting all worked up - Jason's just looking at me knowing that I'm ready to cry (and probably slightly embarrassed) - I'm not even worried about what might happen to Will when he goes in after the dog. they both get out fine. But later on in the movie there is a fight between his dog and these infected dogs - his dog is trying to help protect him - and he gets bit. I know at this point, it's pretty much over and tears start streaming down my face. By the time he gets the dog home and after trying to save him fails and eventually has to kill him, I am almost bawling in the movie theater - I'm sure Jason was looking around to see if anyone one was noticing or their attention being drawn to us because of my sniffles and nose blowing, because I am seriously crying by this time. The movie goes on and I regain my composure and at the end of the movie, Will sacrifices his life for two other characters so that they may survive and bring the vaccine to others and I barely shed a tear - I'm sad, of course, but no, no tears, just that's so sad that he had to die.

So, the question is Am I a cold-hearted *itch or am I just one screwed individual with their emotional priorities completely messed up? I don't know. I do know it's easier to block out all the bad things that happen to my loved ones and put them away in their own little closet not to be visited all that often. Maybe that's why I can get so angry - I really need to learn to show my emotions properly.

Hmmmm.. Well, thanks, this felt better getting it off my chest - even if it doesn't make sense to anyone else - it has once again helped me.
To all those lost and loved!