Remembering...

Waking up; standing in the shower crying but trying my hardest not crying; remembering but not remembering because of the pain and sadness it brings because of the knowing of the possibility of not having him around any longer; trying to keep everything together and not going down the downward spiral; trying for positive...

remembering how as a little girl he was my hero - I hated that he had to go away for months at a time for his job, for his country.... away from me, away from my sisters

remembering how as a teen that he was in a way just there, being dad, loving us, but not needing more from us, but just giving and being there

remembering how in my twenties and early thirties how he was still there for me. always there for me, loving me no matter what stupidity I did, but also letting me know when he was disappointed or disapproved of me or what I'd done, but always loving... my loving him back, but knowing, I knew more about what I wanted, what I wanted to do and what I thought love should be for me and another

remembering how finally starting to grow up, he was, of course, still there as dad is supposed to be, there for me, to help me put my life on the right track once again, there for me to really see what love is and what love means... helping me to see how much he loved my mom and his family, showing me the way things really should be between two people and family

remembering his walking me down the aisle, proud of me and my decision and my life.. remembering his wanting to spend time with us as a couple, and looking forward to seeing me grow more and together in love...

remembering seeing him sick and lying there in pain, breaking through with words of love and still fighting...

hoping and praying that he will fight this and he will survive. Feeling selfish because I want this for him, but I so want this more for me and my family, my mom, my sister, my nephew, my niece, because we are not ready or willing for him to go. we want him here with us.

Remembering that this is the vicious cycle of life and death and that it just sucks