This Weekend and Monday morning

Saw Dad on Saturday and Sunday. He was pretty out of it both days, though his eyes looked a little clearer on Sunday - probably because they took him off the dilaudid which is an opiate pain killer, but I don't know. He really isn't eating and even though I tried coaxing and then, yes, you know me, tried a little burst of temper, he still only eat about 5 bites of meat and 5 spoonfuls of jello, so basically not much, not enough to keep your strength up. He did focus in on mom and I and I told him to fight the infections and that we, actually all of us, loved him and that he needed to gather his strength in order to go home with us.

That is one of the saddest things. He really, really wants to go home with us, but it is not possible. He tried to get out of the bed Sunday morning before we showed up, so they had to secure him to the bed in order to stop him from trying again and possibly falling, hurting himself further, etc. It was very tough to see, especially because he would look at the restraints and be so confused about why they were there and what was happening.

The dr. called mom this morning, to get her permission to put in a feeding tube (through his nose as he is not strong enough to endure them putting in a g-tube. He had to ask mom because dad is so confused and out of it that the dr. couldn't get a viable answer from him. Mom ok'd it. The dr. also said it looks as though dad's kidneys might be beginning to fail and he's called in a urologist to look them over. Mom is headed to the hospital this afternoon, so I should have more to report at that time. It's so hard for mom to see him like this. They've been each other's life for 46 years. But she wants to be there for him, for herself and on the chance that he might see her and know that she is there for him and that she loves him very much. I told her to be as positive as she could and to tell him over and over that she loves him and we love him - because even if he might not be all there, I believe somewhere down deep he will hear and he will know.

I am trying to keep positive while at the same time preparing myself for what may be happening and coming. I have a big feeling that it's not going to be a pretty sight for me when and if it does happen and I hate being vulnerable :-)