Update and Decisions, Decisions

We received a call from one of the dr.s at the hospital yesterday and the report wasn't very good at all. So, Janine and Mom will be meeting with Hospice at the Hospital this afternoon to discuss getting Dad home - so basically he can die there. He will be taken off the feeding tube and antibiotics, but given stuff for any pain he may have. They say that this will result in his more than likely dying within two to three days. The cancer just keeps growing and spreading. He just keeps getting infection after infection. The ones he has are not responding to antibiotics. He has yeast in his blood. His immune system is failing and his platelets have continued to drop. He has been restrained because on one occasion he has tried to get out of bed and on another he pulled out his feeding tube (through his nose). His mental status is not improving and pretty much all that he keeps saying is that he wants to go home. We are, of course, greatly saddened and upset to see him like this and we know that he would not want to continue on like this. We could have him transferred to a hospice center where they would keep up some care, but that would only prolong his living by maybe 5 days and in a condition he would not want it sustained. I will let you know how things progress, etc.

It will be interesting to see how we all handle things and continue to handle things - continuing on and doing things that need to be done. Damn, it brings back the memories of having to hold it together and get things done all those years ago. My sister Cheryl was killed in a car accident in 1986 at the lovely age of 22, just 30 days shy of graduating from UVA. That was a shock. The one thing we do have with both is that we had/have been able to tell them that we loved them - we spoke to Cheryl on the phone the night before she went out and were talking about how great it was going to be to see her that weekend and that we loved her. And with Dad we have told him we loved him continuously. That is one thing we learned from that horrible experience all those years ago, never, ever, take it for granted that the other person just knows you love them, tell them all the time - there is no shame in it and when you really mean it, it doesn't become trite or over said.

Anyways, when it all came down to it, we all handled our feelings in our own way - Dad and I very stoically and Mom and Janine very passionately - years later it came out that some of us thought or wondered about others because we didn't show as much emotion as they were. It was talked out and things were learned and shared about how we each dealt with it on our own - basically suffering all around even if others didn't know and that for those that were more willing to share their emotions, they should have shared and we would have been there for them, and maybe if one of the "sides" had taken the step we would all have meet in the middle. Now, it's not like we weren't there for each other because we were, just sometimes things are perceived differently by each person.

So after all that rambling, I have been trying very hard to make sure that everyone is aware that I am here emotionally as well as in my planning, seemingly unemotional way - as discovered and discussed - no one knows what goes on with another behind closed doors, in the shower, in the car driving in the dark - sounds like it could be something bad, but what it really is - places to cry where no one can see how much pain you are really in because that is how you have to deal with it otherwise you are scared you might lose control and never regain your sanity. Janine on her part is holding things together and sharing, but you can also tell she is understanding of where I am coming from and accepting, as much as I am accepting and, sometimes probably being a little pushy to her about it being ok to be emotional, this time I'm really here for you and am not afraid to show it. Janine had it hard when Cheryl died, she was the first to hear about it - she answered the door when the state trooper came a'knockin so early in the morning that dreadful, dreadful morning and had to go to the bank with the ST to let mom know - not exactly something one wants to know first or share ever, let alone when you are only 18 years old. I know for the longest time, and maybe even to this day that she wouldn't open the front door for anyone if she was in the house alone.

I am a little more emotional this time, or so I think, but am still keeping things tightly close - it's just my way. I've been still going out and hanging with friends and will probably pick right back up with it after this is all over. It doesn't mean I don't feel, it doesn't mean I'm totally cold-hearted. Jason has been an absolutely lovely husband during all this, doing what I need and overall just being there for me. I need the distraction, I need for my friends to be there for me in this way, to not bring up my dad, and asking me how I'm doing alot (but occassionally is ok :-)), to not make me sad. I know that they loved him, I know that they love me and I know that they are there for me. I at this time cannot be there fully for them. To help them deal with what they are going through, to help them stop feeling the pain they are feeling when they see me sad, know I am sad and it hurts them, for when they realize it will eventually happen to them and they think of how they will handle it themselves. I can be there sort of, but I need to be a little selfish right now and take care of me, my heart and my family - it will break me apart at this point and for me to go on, I need them to be there and support me, this way, the way they have been and continue to do so. And, I love them for it (and I hope they know this). I will be there for them in their time of need in the capacity and way they need for me to be there.

Ok, I think I've rambled on enough....
Love you daddy!